Having a two, almost three year old and an 8month old is hard work. Three year old's like to get into things, like to test the waters and boundaries. This particular three year old likes to bite and when she is frustrated sometimes reverts to head-butting. I can't help but react to these behaviors in a way that I think most parents would. Sometimes I physically remove her from a situation and firmly tell her what she did was wrong. When I'm dealing with a teething/fussy baby and a bag of chips gets spilled on the floor I can't help but get angry and raise my voice. Today Livia bit me, and this is not typical behavior from her. I hate to say that Jake is the one that she tends to bite and be more aggressive towards. When Liv bit me I was so shocked, and hurt, that I swatted her mouth. Not hard, but enough that it shocked her and she cried. All day today I've felt like every time I'd get after her, and she never really did anything real bad, but I'd feel extremely guilty for disciplining her. I know that in the back of my mind I'm thinking......please don't remember me like this. Don't let this "good time" in your life be memories of your mommy getting mad at you. As I write this I feel really stupid about having these thoughts. We hardly ever have days like today. Most days are spent laughing and having a good time. We did laugh today, but I was in a bad spot all day. One of my biggest fears is that one day I'm going to look back and have regrets. I desperately want to make Livia's and Finley's life precious, meaningful, important and memorable. How do I find the balance and not feel guilty when I have to discipline Livia? I know this phase will pass when Finley isn't so needy, but I don't want her baby phase to end. I desperately want to hold on to this time. I think this is why I have my bad days. My mind and my needs go so back and forth. Having this helpless and out of control feeling is a bad emotion to have.
I miss my family terribly. I miss my friends that I don't get to see. I even miss my friends that have chosen to step out of my life. This pains me so bad. I wonder so often how it can be so easy to just ignore. I cry about it more than I'd like to admit. However, it fuels my fight and ironically gives me inspiration.
I needed my mom so bad today. I desperately wanted just time with her. No kids, no husbands, just her and I. I can't even remember when the last time just the two of us had time together. I have a special relationship with both of my parents. I view them with so much respect, yet since they got divorced they are different people. They are still my mom and dad, but its taken time for me to learn how to handle a divorce as an adult. I see them differently than I did when I was a kid. Not bad, just different. I know them differently now. I love them both so much and want nothing more than for them to be happy. OK, how did I get off on this subject? I love you mom and dad. I miss you and Audra so much it hurts. I miss our family. Some of my best childhood memories are 4th street and the farm.
Ultimately I know tomorrow will be a better day. I can reflect on today and learn what I don't want to do tomorrow.
Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision.
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Indian Proverb
My heart aches. I hate the fact I can't see your face everyday and give you a hug when you need one. You are a wonderful mother, Livia and Finley are the luckest girls alive. You are so much fun with them, you are so loving with them. Liv is learning so much from you and I think when you have to discipline her she is becoming a stronger person and LIVING her childhood, and you are being her mom. She loves you no matter what. I love you no matter what. I miss you terribly today.
ReplyDeleteOh, I how I wish this wasn't what we have to endure sometimes! I feel the same way when Jayden is on my last nerve and all over the place! You are a strong, beautiful woman and mother...but it is still ok to be human, and sad. God continues to use you. Your children will always love you and I bet people, like your mom, ache for you just as much...I know I do...wish we were neighbors...But, I will see you sunday? We are doing heartland at 11 am and lunch at Stockholm Inn down the road...then heading to my moms for an hour and leaving by 3. We would love to see you if at all possible!
ReplyDeleteIt struck me as I was reading your blog that we have the same thoughts sometimes....such as not wanting your kids to remember the times we needed to discipline. Even though our situations may be different our thoughts are the same....guess that makes us moms. Part of the disciplines in life are the greatest lessons and you are doing just that....being a great mom to both your girls especially during those times. They will only remember how much time you spent with them as you are imprinted on their hearts. You will forever be in their hearts wherever they are. I try to keep that in my mind in situations I face as well. Imagine what your mom feels for you and now her grandkids....she loves you as much as you love your little girls. I think you are right...some of your best memories were on fourth street. Lots of love to you today
ReplyDeleteOh Dear Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI remember having days like this and feeling the same way you do. Be encouraged, my friend. You are doing the most important job on earth and doing it very well.
"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."
Hebrews 12:11