Monday, April 26, 2010

Will you be here tomorrow

Let's face it, no one can really answer this question. Our hope is yes, of course I'll be here tomorrow. My thoughts on this are not so much for myself, but for Liv. I realize this is a pretty awful thing to think about and pretty depressing for a Monday morning, but this is my reality. In the back of my mind is a constant thought of losing my child. A pit in my heart that no one should have to feel. I try so hard to not let this thought surface because I can feel myself going to a dark place. The truth is, it's always there in some way. Last night Jake and I watched "The Blind Side." What a great feel good movie. I cried through most of it. During the movie (I can't tell you at what point) I felt anxious about Livia not being with me. I do mean in that moment in time, not a thought of her being gone forever. I knew she was comfortable in her bed, but I needed her with me. I wanted to feel the warmth of her body and smell her sweet smell. I was surrounded by her pictures, and in a way, it made it worse. Then I started thinking about her not being there like really not being there. Then it felt really bad. I can't IMAGINE not holding her or hearing her. I had this thought awhile back when Livia was in a different car than us. It was Jake, Finley and I and the thought came to me that someday it may be like this, just the three of us in the car. It's so hard to imagine that time and I know I shouldn't because no one REALLY knows what our time looks like on the earth. We can only hope that tomorrow will come for us and we can be happy about yesterday. As dark and as hard as these thoughts can be on me, I can find the light in all of it. I can LIV today so full and make it a point to love my kids just a little harder. I find joy in the smallest things that before diagnosis I would have taken for granted. I love watching my girls eat! Even in the frustrating moments of dirty diapers, teething and loads and loads of laundry............I'm lucky to experience it. Don't get me wrong, I'm human and I get angry and frustrated but I have a constant reminder to just take a deep breath, get over it and move on. There are more important things to put my energy towards like living my best life today and praying to be blessed with tomorrow. I love you Livia and Finley more than you'll ever know. You make my today worth it!

Philippians 4:6
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

This is so overdue..............I really have no excuse other than I just haven't made the time to blog. We've had so much going on in our lives. I've found that keeping busy makes me a happier person. I'm not one to sit still for very long. We have been so blessed with some AMAZING, self-less people. Our friends the Phillip's have a church in Poplar Grove called The Grove Fellowship. Jake and Brian became instant friends when we moved here. Brian helped with a group Jake is involved with at the High School, Change Inc. Brian has an amazing staff that volunteered to help us get our beautiful website going. Max and Matt helped design and start the site. We had a couple face to face meetings where I laid out what we were looking to do and gave them my ideas. They took everything I told them and enhanced it more than I could have expected. Our logo that Max designed is so perfect. Having something like this has enabled Jake and I to work towards something. Before our website I felt so out of control and lost because there was nothing I could do. Having this site and starting our foundation is bringing a little bit of that control back. I feel like we are working towards something. We are bringing awareness to this scary disorder. We are able to tell our story and be proud of it. I am so proud of my family and my daughters. My hopes and plans for this site are to of course bring awareness. I also hope that once we become not-for-profit, we will be able to have fundraisers and events to make money for research. I have so many ideas! With all that said, thank you to the Phillip's for always being there for us. Brian and Kristy are inspiring and make us want to be better people. Max and Matt, thank you for your self-less desire to want to help us. You will forever have a special place in my heart.

We are so excited that we have our first batch of T-shirts made with our logo on them. They are done in time for the Illinois marathon. Dad and Carol, thank you so much for helping us get this task accomplished. I haven't seen them yet, but from Carol's message and talking to my dad today about it, I hear they are AWESOME! I love you guys so much and am so appreciative of this.

I have so much more to write, but feel like it all doesn't belong in this post. I'm working on making more time for this blog. It feels good to write, and I know people like to hear what's going on with us. Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to look at our website. If you haven't seen it, check it!