My house is calm and quiet this afternoon. Finley is asleep on the couch, which rarely happens. It's been a fun and busy week of birthday celebrations, special days at school, field trips, and warm days to play outside. Today, we went on a field trip with Livia's class to a zoo in Madison, WI.
Returning home, I carefully placed sleeping Finley on the couch. My 4 year old curly-girly, quiet and still. I watched her sleep for a moment. I immediately thanked Him for this child. She is everything. She is my heart.
Livia and I went upstairs, and she pranced into Finley's room. I had a few things to do, but then joined her on Finley's bed. This is her favorite place to just be. I laid down next to her, seeing that she was growing tired. The angles of our bodies fit perfectly together. I was starring into her eyes, quietly singing and talking to her. She says nothing, but stares into my eyes and smiles. Her eye lids grow heavy and she falls asleep. I hold my breath as to not move, and quietly take in this moment. My heart grows heavy, and a lump raises in the back of my throat. I desperately try to hold the tears back, but they start falling in a steady stream. I sniffle, and she wakes. We were in that spot for maybe 10 minutes, but each second felt like a gift.
There is a peace in our home. "Stress" is not a word I find myself using a lot. Livia's care has increased, and there are times I feel overwhelmed, but it does not last. Jake and I have found a balance and are able to support each other in most every situation. We have both grown, a lot! This growth and peace is such a comfort. I'm content, and this feels so good. I'm not trying to make light of our situation with Livia, I guess what I'm trying to confess is that although I'm still (scared, sad, worried, heart-broken) you insert the adjective, I've come to a place in this journey where I'm comfortable and confident. More on a personal level. I'm confident in the quality of life I'm giving my family along with the knowledge of what time, sacrifice, love, truth, WILL, hope, and grace really REALLY look like. A part of me mourn's every day. I'm sure for the rest of my life, something inside of me will be reminded of this season. I'm ok with that. I don't ever want to lose this insight of what really matters. Being ok with; who I am, what we own, what we don't own, who our (beautiful and wonderful) friends are, feeling proud of my children, family, and being ok with those who have chosen not to be there. I'll take it.
I'm anchored in; awake and aware that what Livia is teaching me.....all of us......really is simple. It's to be happy, love each other, and dig in for what we've been given the grace to handle. I don't have it all figured out, and I pray that the day's I have here on earth are filled with intention and purpose. I'm in love with these moments. All of them. Even the hard one's are filled with promise and knowledge.
Dig in, it's worth it!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
"Love is, without a doubt, the basis of everything. Not some abstract, hard-to-fathom kind of love but the day-to-day kind
that everyone knows-the kind of love we feel when we look at our spouse and children,
or even our animals. In its purest and most powerful form,
this love is not jealous or selfish, but unconditional. This is the reality of realities, the incomprehensibly glorious truth of truths that lives and breathes at the core of everything that exists or that will ever exist,
and no remotely accurate understanding of who and what we are can
be achieved by anyone who does not know it,
and embody it in all of their actions."
"Proof of Heaven"
Eben Alexander, M.D.