I find myself using a phrase quite often during my body pump classes. I will warn my class of a difficult set or encourage them during the end of a particularly hard track. I will say something along the lines of "let's finish this chest track together, dig deep, and finish strong!" Or maybe something like "DIG DEEP! Last combo!" It's a phrase that I coach with, a lot. I find it's fitting. Sometimes lifting heavy or running farther requires a little digging. That digging deeper is when changes happen, goals can be met, and a sense of accomplishment is gained. It's not easy to "dig deep," but actually digging deeper is when the payoff occurs. It's taking a step outside your comfort zone and doing something uncomfortable or something you thought unreachable when the impossible becomes possible.
I must dig deep, everyday.
Last week, I started to prepare for a weekend of company. Like any good hostess would, I thought I should actually strip all the beds and put fresh clean sheets on for my guests. I'm going to get a little real here and tell you that I don't wash sheets every week. I do it on purpose. Especially Livia's. You probably notice that when you walk into someone else's bedroom you can smell them. Both of my girls have a bedroom smell. They are different, and I love them both. After I sent both the girls off to school, I started the task of stripping all the beds. I started in Liv's room and it hit me. Her empty bed, a quiet house, her smell, and the thought of her not being here came over me out of no where. I draped myself over her bed with tears flowing from my face. I pulled her sheets off her bed, fell to the floor, and buried my face deep. I tried to INHALE as hard as I could. I moved her sheets through my hands trying to find places that she must have settled into. I panicked. I felt anxious. It was an absolutely devastating moment to realize that there will be a last time that I will have to remove her sheets and her smell........how can I let go of her smell. How can I let go of her?
I will have to dig deep.
It doesn't happen as often as it once did, or maybe I'm just very used to hearing "I don't know how you do it." When I sit back and really, REALLY, think about what we are facing, I understand why people ask me this. When I see another child struggle, or hear of another family burying their child, or watching families that have lost a child(ren) and navigate life without them; there are times when I wonder how they do it. How do they dig deep and keep going? I've learned that I can't really ask how other's do it. I have to rely on what has worked for me and given me a lot of peace in the process. I've had to dig deep in my faith. Everyday.....I must dig deep.
I am not proclaiming that I have all of this figured out. I literally LIV day to day. Each day presents different emotions which can cause easier or harder days. Days in which I have to dig deep to come out on top. What I will proclaim is that because of the work I've put into my faith, and my relationship with God, I've gained peace that really does surpass all understanding. I love a lot, I'm very patient, and relationships mean a lot to me. I can't understand or explain it all myself. What I do know is that this digging deeper during the hard, scary, and almost impossible moments is what is allowing our life to be LIVed in an extremely full and beautiful way.
I'm extremely thankful that my "dig deep" moments are due to my emotions, my navigation through the hard. What is not hard is actually taking care of my girl. Liv's needs are 100% dependent on Jake and I. Everything. Walking is now a great struggle for her. She's falling a lot and it's hard to look at her bruised knees and elbows and not HATE this horribly ugly MPS. She has less and less smiles, and she's content sitting or laying on the couch now a days. She can't move herself out of an uncomfortable sleeping position. She can only cry out. Digression is a bitch, and it's literally taking her more and more. That is what takes digging deeper. She's facing a swallow study and those results could mean another change in her care. At this point, I just want to get the results and do what we need to do in order to keep her safe and nourished. I can understand that care taking can take a toll and be stressful at times, but to me, it's not a burden. We have a responsibility to take care of the one's we love. Life is extremely precious and fragile and by allowing stress or negativity to over come care taking is robbing people of the opportunity to dig deep and learn from that experience. I pray that if you are reading this and you have a child with great needs, little needs, are caretaking for someone, or you are going through something tough your self, that you can dig deep within your heart and cherish the time you have with the one's you love the most. Health especially can change in the blink of an eye. Life can change in the blink of an eye. I pray that you can find peace in order to INHALE what this one precious life has to offer.