One month

Yesterday marked one month.  So much of this doesn't feel real.  I thought about figuring out the exact number of days, hours, and minutes, but it felt so wrong.  It felt hard.  I don't really want to acknowledge it.  

This blog has always been my voice.  My voice feels so fragile right now.  It feels like I have a permanent lump in my throat.  I think it's because my heart has been in a boxing ring, and it is battered.  It's bruised & swollen, and the injury is radiating into my throat.  It's affecting my voice, and my focus.

Time has been crazy and confusing.  The finality of everything has me feeling lost.  The emptiness is haunting.  It hurts.  Absolutely nothing has prepared me for this.

I'm scared.

I'm hopeful.

I'm lonely.

I'm in love.

I'm relearning.

I'm lost.

I'm unsettled.

I'm inspired.

Everyday is different.  Every emotion is radiated.  I feel like being busy is better, but I'm not sure.  Sometimes it feels like I'm avoiding.

My sweet Finley.  She is inspiring me, and I'm deeply in love with her.  Her heart is hurting.  Her mind is working in overload.  She's so resilient.  She has very deep and heavy thoughts.  Her questions are impressive.  She's good for the most part.  She responds well to honesty and straight talk.  Please continue praying for her.  Her latest desire is to know another kid who has gone through what she has.  She feels as if none of her friends truly understand.  She wants to know she's not the only one.  We've found someone willing to connect, but not in close proximity.  It's a start, and it will be good.

There has been so much love and support.  It's been very eye opening to me to see people's hearts.  The different ways in which people know how to "take care," or offer support is very inspiring to me. So much mail, and we are so grateful for that.  The texts come through, but aren't as frequent.  It's ok.  I need to try and focus on more than a screen.  The greatest gift has come in the form of hand written letters from a friend that happens to be a social worker.  She has no expectation from me for a response.  She offers words and guidance that come at least once a week.  Sometimes more.  Thank you MN-N.  You are a beautiful person.  The ink and stamps mean more than I can ever begin to explain.  Thank you.

Thank you to those that show me the most patience.  For understanding when I need to cancel, or don't answer phone calls.  Please don't give up on me.  I don't know how long this healing process may take.  My heart in that boxing ring-it took quite the blow. 

The next two blogs that I post will be the words that were spoken by Jake and our friend Marshall at Livia's service.  Her beautiful service.  Thank you to all those that attended.  Thank you to all those that helped accomplish all the intimate details that were so important to us.

Livia Grace....I love you so much.  I miss you, but you know that.  I feel your presence in and around me.  You will always be the drive and purpose behind what I do, and what I say.  The time I had with you; those were the years that I learned the most.  I learned what love looked like, and felt like.  Now it's time for me to take those lessons and rediscover myself.  I poured myself into you, and now I feel you pouring into me.  What I accomplished with you reshaped me.  A new heart and a new mind.  Keep showing me, babe.