Absent

For those of you looking for a new post from me, I will be adding one soon. I've had lots of thoughts and ideas for a new post, but the time has been getting away from me to just sit down and do it. We are getting ready for our Disney trip, and I have been so mentally consumed with this. Please pray for us for safe travels, ease of nerves, fun times, wisdom and guidance. I'm really looking forward to this trip, but am a little nervous. I'll be excited to share the information we receive and share lots of photos as well.

I've been reflecting a lot on the meaning and word opportunities lately. This is the inspiration for my next post. This verse is something else that has been on my mind a lot.............What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. (Hebrews 11:1)

My drive

There are times that I hear what other people are going through or just in socializing, I hear about things other people's children are doing. I'm not going to lie, after Pilate's class today I went into the locker room and cried. When class was over and I was talking with the instructor she started talking about her daughter and potty training. Another lady joined in the conversation and I just had to excuse myself because I realized this is one of the first things I'm not going to experience with Livia. I can remember not long ago sitting at a restaurant and a waiter started talking to Livia and she didn't really respond to him. He said to us, "don't worry when she's in college she'll never shut up." I've never had my heart sink so deep as these couple moments. I don't write these things to deter people from sharing their moments with their children. I don't want to push anyone away. I have such high hope that something is going to come along in Livia's life. This is my drive. I may experience these heart wrenching moments at times, but when I'm with Livia and Finley the rest of the world disappears and those girls light up my life. I can be so sad and down and just being in the presence of her makes everything better. I know what love is. I know how important it is to cherish moments and not sweat the small stuff.

Thankful..............

Sometimes I find it ironic how I can be so thankful for my life. My thoughts often take me to really bad places. It's hard not to be fearful of our future.............however, shouldn't everyone be a bit fearful? I would imagine that a lot of people on the outside looking in on our life might wonder how we do it? I'm told often how strong I am. I'll tell you, I'm not always strong and I don't always want to be strong. This past month has really been a test of my strength. How many wrench's are going to be thrown at us until we catch a break? How much should one family have to endure? Heartache is not fun. You think your life is going to be perfect. No one teaches us how to prepare for or handle "situations." On the flip side, why shouldn't I be thankful? I have a family that anyone would be lucky to be a part of. I have the love and support of so many people. Our "situation" has made me grow as a person. That's something to be thankful for. I have two beautiful girls that motivate, inspire and teach me something new everyday. I can't help but be thankful. Life is full of choice's. I can choose to lay in bed and cry my life away, I can choose to die, or I can choose to embrace the life I have. I can choose to find the good in each day. I can choose to love with my entire being. I would much rather be thankful for what I have than be bitter and angry about it. I'm sure I'll have times when all I want to do is cry, be angry or question everything. I've come to realize that it is ok to do these things as long as I remember that I have a lot more to be thankful for than not. Today is Thanksgiving and I am most thankful for my family. I'm thankful for the person I am today. I'm thankful for our Lord and Savior. Without Him, none of this would be possible. I hope you can find what you are most thankful for and embrace it. Be with the ones you love the most. Be with the ones that make you feel loved.


For Audra...........I love you M2P.

Small gestures

My friend Stefanie described in her blog her "new normal." She also talked about the fact that the cards, emails, and phone calls are starting to fade. This is true at our house also. I was thinking about this the other day, and it made me really sad. I know we have a tremendous amount of people who think of us everyday. This is such a comfort to know people really LOVE us, especially Livia, and are praying for us. I don't know how people can walk this journey without the Lord. Anyway, just the time I was sad and down about not hearing from anyone I get a small package in the mail. In the package was a hand written note (which are priceless and touch my heart) and an Oprah supplement to the 'O' magazine (small booklet). This booklet was something Elizabeth, the friend who sent this to me, leaned on when her sister Amber was battling her fight with cancer. I can tell this booklet was a support for Elizabeth by the dog eared pages and the wear of the book itself. I was so touched that Elizabeth would share this with me. Amber lost her battle with cancer and is now with our Lord. Amber left behind a family of her own. 3 beautiful children, a husband, 3 sisters, and her mother and father. I think of Amber often, and her family. Elizabeth and I were childhood friends, and I have so many memories of playing and swimming with her. She was a year older than me in HS. Elizabeth and I were not close in HS. Our interests were different and our paths drifted apart. It wasn't until Elizabeth sang at our wedding that we really connected again. We emailed a few times, and during Amber's battle we talked a couple times. Elizabeth became pregnant with her daughter Isla and we talked a few more times. Elizabeth has always quietly been a part of my life. She is someone who has stepped up and is walking this journey with us. She is sincere and I look forward to her cards, emails, and small gestures. Thank you Elizabeth for being my friend. You couldn't have sent the booklet at a better time. There are so many people who deserve a Thank You! I only hope that one day I can pay it forward for everything we've received so far.

LIVs LUVs

I'm so thankful for Livia's imagination. She plays so well. I love to hear her reading, babbling with her dolls, and calling me to color with her. She has the BEST bedroom. Jake and George built a beautiful window seat/dresser/desk/shelf unit on one of her wall's. She has a really cool doll house that her grammy Karin gave her last year for Christmas. She loves getting in her closet and just pulling anything out that she can. I can't believe how much she can reach! Lately she has been pulling her Tinker Bell chair into the kitchen when I'm doing dishes or making dinner. She will pull the chair right next to me, climb up, and start helping me do whatever task I'm trying to complete. She especially loves helping me with the dishes. I think the soapy water has something to do with it. Staying with the "chore" theme, Livia likes to help me with the laundry. I will put her on the washer on her knees and let her dump the soap in. Then I'll let her fill the cap up with water and dump it over and over again. I even let her do the fabric softener. (Don't freak out mom............she CAN'T reach it on her own :)) Jake and I have been working with her to feed the dogs. She knows where the dog food is and we help her scoop it out and dump it in the bowls. She even helps us remember to feed the dogs if we are busy doing other things. I swear she knows when 6pm rolls around. She likes to get the swiffer out. She will push it around the floor. I SWEAR I don't make her do these things. She likes to do what mommy does! Livia LOVES horses, she really loves all animals. Livia spends most of the day in dress up clothes. There has been days that she wears a princess dress to the gym. She loves to watch dancing with the stars. She wears a dress and dances along with the show. She gets so excited. Its really cute. She plays head shoulders knees and toes, row row row your boats, and ring around the rosy. She loves You Tube. We have to limit the amount of time she watches. It all started with Beyonce's Single Ladies video (thanks auntie AuAu). Now it's Elmo, The Wiggles, babies laughing, and Charlie bit my finger video. I want to bottle all these moments up and keep them forever. I want to always hear her yell "MOM" when she wakes up in the morning. I always want to hear that laugh. When she smiles her eyes smile too! Livia has such a tender heart. She has wiped my tears away and held my face when I've cried. I don't like to cry in front of her because she is so aware of it. When she looks in my eyes and says "mama cry," I have to stop. She is an angel and I THANK GOD everyday for her and Finley.


Finley is growing and changing so fast. I can't believe she is 6mos old. I don't remember my little baby. She is eating solids now, sitting up almost on her own, and cutting teeth. She LOVES Livia. Finley has only belly laughed a few times, and those times have all been when she is watching Liv. I think Finley is going to have hazel eyes. Both she and her sister have the prettiest eye lashes. Finley is a special girl. I feel a special connection with her.

Do unto others

The family and I were in Central IL for yet another weekend. Jake was inducted into the sports hall of fame at Heritage HS. It was a lovely evening to meet the players and see old friends. I'm so proud of my hubby. It's always so nice to hear everything he has accomplished.

For some reason or another, this weekend was very emotional for me. I was brought to tears on many occasions. I find it amazing how some days I can let things roll off my shoulder or not dwell too much on my "haunting thoughts," and other days things seem to push the dagger in just a little farther.

We went to a harvest lunch at church today. I cried all the way there. I must have had an inclination of the emotions to come. We have so much support and concern from so many people. It really is a comfort. I appreciate the things people have to say to me. I'm glad they are taking the time to say things to me even if I am a weepy mess. I'm able to reflect later on these people and the things they have to say to me. I know its hard to know what to say, I don't think I'd know what to say to me. I know I had mentioned in one of my previous posts about regret and not saying important things to people in hard times. I have to tell you a particular case of this that happened to me today. Let me start with a little background info. When I was in HS. a girl in my class named Tara was in a very bad car accident. She was on her way home from play practice, and I was on my way home from softball. I was the first to come upon her rolled van. Tara had been reaching for her cell phone that was in the passenger side of her vehicle and took the van to the right side of the road, into a ditch that caused the van to roll and came back onto the road and was laying on the drivers side. I immediately got my cell phone out and called 911. I ran to her and was able to see her and talk to her. I asked her what her parents phone number was and called them. Mind you we were in the middle of no where Broadlands, IL so it seemed like an eternity for anyone to get there. Another car did stop, but I don't remember much about them. I turned my focus on Tara. I was able to crawl into the van to get close to her and hold her hand. I remember talking to her about prom. I don't remember Tara crying a lot. She was really strong. She kept telling me that her neck and back hurt and that she was sleepy. I knew to just keep talking to her and calm her. I rubbed her forehead and thought of the most random stuff I could to keep her occupied. Once the ambulance got there I had to step away. I can remember wanting to stay with her and just hold onto her hand. More cars had shown up than I realized. People were standing in the corn fields watching from a distance. My dad came. At some point I did call my parents and tell them what was going on, but I don't remember making that call. We stayed until they got Tara out and helicoptered her away. I remember making eye contact with her when she was on the stretcher. I yelled to her that she was going to be ok. I went to visit Tara a few times in the hospital. I remember the first time I went to see her. She couldn't talk. She would blink once for yes and twice for no. She smiled a lot. Tara is a quadriplegic. I can't tell you the last time I've seen her. I do think of her often. I see her grandparents at church. Today, her grandma came up to me while I was feeding Livia. She talked to Livia, asked how we were doing, told me that she kept us in their prayers. I then asked her about her family and specifically about Tara. She told me that Tara got to go to a concert recently and was so thankful she was getting to go to Springfield for something fun and not for surgery. This touched my heart and I was starting to cry. I told her that I think of Tara often. Louise put her hand on my shoulder and said "you know, I think you were the one who saved Tara's life." I lost it. Louise walked away and that was the end of our conversation. I didn't do anything but be a comfort to someone in need. Tara was in a situation that no one ever expects to be in. She didn't need to be alone. If it were me in that van I would hope someone would stay by my side. I only did what I would have wanted. Nothing more. We all need someone to stand with us. I thank you Louise for saying that to me.

God's Grace

I see God's Grace in the faces of my children.

Being a parent is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's also the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

I feel like I can say I'm proud of the person I am today. I've made decisions in my life that I wish I could change, but I believe those choices have helped mold me into who I am.

I need to surround myself with positive people. I'm a positive person and negativity is my kryptonite.

I've never felt closer to God in my life than I do now. I can't imagine going through this life without Him and His love. I'm able to lift it all up to Him.

My views and thoughts on so many issues have changed. I want to do so much in my life. I want to help people, I want to feed children, I want to make sick children smile.

There is good in this world. So many people are so generous. I want to be like that. I know one day I will be able to pay it forward.

I know what I don't want to be like.

Don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today.................I really like this saying. I really despise procrastination.

Keep an eye out for more to come! Thanks for reading.